The Money Conversation Couples Avoid Until It’s Too Late — and the Damage It Does

When one partner brings up the credit card bill and the other abruptly remembers they need to take the dog out, a certain kind of silence falls across a kitchen table. Most likely, you’ve seen it. Perhaps you were in it. The fact that the conversation is over does not mean that it is over. No one wanted it to begin, so it ends.

Nearly 90% of couples think they communicate well, according to Fidelity’s most recent couples study. However, over 25% of those same couples claim that their biggest source of conflict is money. In some way, both statements are simultaneously true. People converse a lot. They merely skirt the issue.

Observing couples talk about this, it’s remarkable how frequently avoidance starts well in advance of marriage. One person grew up in a home where, in order to reduce expenses, the heating was turned off in November. The other was raised in an environment where money was never discussed because there was always plenty of it. These innate tendencies are referred to by financial psychologists as “money scripts,” and they are obstinate. Someone cannot be persuaded to change a sentiment that was ingrained in them at the age of nine.

Then there’s the debt question, which seldom receives an honest initial response. The majority of partners are able to recite each other’s pay, including the bonus structure. Few people are able to tell you the precise amount on your credit card, the medical bill that is quietly sitting on a payment plan, or the student loan that has been postponed so frequently that it is practically furniture. When a mortgage application asks questions that a spouse never asked, hidden debt usually comes to light at the worst possible time.

In terms of the harm it causes, financial infidelity—as researchers have begun to refer to it—looks a lot like regular infidelity. Once broken, trust is difficult to rebuild. My friend, a fifty-year-old accountant, told me that she has seen more marriages fail due to a concealed Discover card than an affair. Perhaps she’s overstating things. Perhaps she isn’t.

The next silent minefield is retirement. Couples believe they are aligned because they are both making contributions to a 401(k). They hardly ever are. One partner imagines a modest home close to grandchildren. The other is already in Portugal on a mental level. No one has said it aloud because doing so would require negotiation, which would require admitting the disparity.

Then there are the discussions that hardly anyone has. What would happen if one of you was unable to work? What would happen if one of you passed away? The location of the passwords. if there is a will. These are more logistical questions than morbid ones, the kind that a capable adult ought to be able to respond to on a Tuesday afternoon. Most people are unable to. When that failure finally happens, the person who is left behind bears the full cost.

Speaking with financial advisors, it seems that the most successful couples aren’t the ones who never argue about money. They are the ones who have rendered disagreement dull. The awkward conversation is no longer awkward because they’ve had it so many times. The bill arrives. They examine it. They converse. The dog is not walked by anyone.

It appears to be more important than any spreadsheet.